Dungeon Keeper Diary – Day 2

If you missed part 1 of this diary, you can check it out here.

The dungeon returns for more absurdity. I like to this that I’m doing this as a public service, I’m doing this so that you don’t have to play this game. Ever.

DAY 2 (Although, technically it’s still day 1, but I have slept between sessions.)

Started session at 13.55pm on 2nd February 2014.

The game still took 1m 10s to load up as it was checking for updates. I pondered if the game really needed to check for updates each time it’s opened? Then I found the answer as to why it does.


“We’ve been attacked!” Whilst I was sleeping, how rude! So this is a multiplayer thing, where players can invade each others dungeons. This I did not know, nor was I prepared for such an eventuality. You could have warned me in the tutorial, bloody game. As it stands, the attackers were successful as I had less than 20 mins of playtime. That’s nowhere near enough to prepare a suitable defence in this game. But who said life was fair. The game gave me an option to take vegeance, but I felt I was not strong enough for a counter attack. Chances are my few trolls would be destroyed instantly. Speaking of which, my trolls were still around. Dilly-dallying around the dungeon. Did they not even try to defend my base? Well thank you very much.

I decided to erect some traps around my dungeon heart. That way I could at least put up a bit of a fight during the next invasion. Then I noticed another flaw in this game. In previous Dungeon Keeper games, when there were more imps than building/digging tasks, then those extra imps would help the others with those tasks. This sped up production and made it quicker and easier. Of course in this version of the game, that is not possible. It’s one task per imp. If the imp finishes their task, they go a break and have a cup of tea until required once more. But hey, I could always buy more gems to speed up production! Urgh.


This session ends after just over 8 minutes of play. I restart the game later in the day at 18.00pm. (6pm)

If you are foolish enough to actually download this game, I recommend you turn off push notifications. It’s all well and good getting the odd message telling you if you’re being attacked or something significant has happened, but I couldn’t care less if the imps aren’t working as well as before because a buff has worn off. Or if my gold and stone mines needs to be tapped so I can get more- which is one of the most stupid elements of the game. In order for you to move your gold and stone to a storeroom, you need to tap each individual mine. Oh please stop, I’m having way too much fun here! Anyway, turn off push notifications or you’ll get upwards of 5 messages in the space of a few hours. I think I’d rather have messages from a clingy girlfriend than the messages from this game. Actually, I’d just rather have a girlfriend full stop.

Decided to go on a raid and was given a choice to go on a campaign raid or attack another player’s dungeon. I chose campaign as I didn’t want to lose all my troops to a higher level dungeon player. Also I didn’t want to attack someone who’s just starting their dungeon, and potentially spoil their fun. No, that would be a dickish thing to do. (Akito92)

The campaign raid just flew by. It only took about 30 seconds and it was over. I don’t know how many casulaties I suffered before the win, it was over just as fast as it started. Upon my return to my dungeon, I found that none of my troops followed me back. How? I was victorious. If I suffered any casualties, they were only few, if any. Five trolls, a warlock and two skelletons just gone. Had to call for reinforcements and surprise surprise, I had to wait for them.

Whilst I was waiting, I was able to continue tapping away to get gold, stone and mana. Nothing comes easily in this game, even the achievements. When you unlock an achievement, you are given a reward of around 5 gems. However, you have to claim the reward by clicking on the button in the achievements menu. Why? What’s the need for the donkey work? Why doesn’t the gems automatically get added to your stockpile as soon as you unlock them? It’s like a video game version of bureaucracy, only not as enjoyable or fascinating as Papers, Please.

I set Hall- one part of my two imp team, Hall & Oates- to start mining a solid gem rock, as I have plans to connect my dungeon to a new mine in a corner of the map. The time estimate that Hall would complete this task is 24 hours. A day! With Hall out of action for the forseeable future, I investigate getting a new imp to partner with Oates. It would cost me 800 gems for an additional imp. 800 gems! You start off in the dungeon with around 550 gems, I believe. Achievements give you a handful of gems, as does actually mining out the gem rocks. So how are you ever going to get that much gems? There’s only one way, and that’s to buy gems with real money. £5.49 could afford me 900 gems, so I’d have 100 gems to go crazy with after I bought an additional imp. No thanks.

Then I remembered a pop-up I received after my earlier raid;


DK Premium? In addition to having extortionate gems, there’s another way to milk us for money. Take a look at what DK Premium offers you;


Boosts. 40% more gold, stone and gems, and a 25% defence increase against enemy raids. All for 750 gems… for 7 days. Seven days. That’s £4.57 if you buy the 900 gem package. This is completely disgusting. I’m surprised EA aren’t prostituting their mothers as an in-game perk; 1000 gems for a blow job. Does nothing for your dungeon, but it makes you happy!

I finish the game, as I able unable to do anymore for the moment.

Finished at 18.21pm on 2nd February 2014.

Overall time spent playing the game – 41m 20s

Actual real time spent playing the game – 18h 16m

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